This article brought to you by our Early Childhood Educators in the Hanover Parent Child Community Program
Behaviour is a window. In the Hanover School Division, we believe that the behaviours we witness daily are a window into what a child is thinking, how they’re doing and what they need from us. Here are a few thoughts compiled on managing behaviours, understanding realistic expectations and setting up children to successfully regulate their feelings and emotions and in turn their behaviour.
We are going to start by looking at ways we can set our children up for success – these are things we can do BEFORE starting an activity/entering the store/trying something new, to help your child better understand the boundaries and what the expectations are.
We, the adults, can:
- Have realistic expectations
A two year old is different than a three year old. We need to give different expectations and limits. Every child is unique so each two year old will need slightly different expectations. Here is a website that has a simplified breakdown of some general developmental milestones that we can keep in mind for children from 0-5 years old: https://www.allforkids.org/news/blog/why-the-first-5-years-of-child-development-are-so-important/
- Play with your child
Build your bond and relationship with your child through getting down to their level and engaging in the things they find interesting! They may also want to help you with cooking/baking/cleaning. If they are initiating it, that could also feel like playing for them. Join them in it and let yourself be silly! Check out our post from 2024 all about play! https://studentservices.hsd.ca/2024/05/31/hanover-parent-child-community-program/
- Give children time to transition
Letting them know ahead of time that a change in activity is coming and being consistent on how much time they have makes a huge difference. Also, let them have that extra minute to try putting their jacket on by themselves. They will learn best when we let them try and give them time for that.
- Consistent and predictable routines
Think about a routine as a framework for your day. It doesn’t give you every little detail, it just gives you an idea of what to expect. For example, getting up and having a shower before breakfast is a routine. Doing the same things each day consistently will help your child build an internal routine and schedule and will give them a sense of security and accomplishment as they move through their day. Here’s an article with more information on the importance of routines: https://zerotothrive.org/routines-for-kids/
- Talking about emotions, recognizing, acknowledging, and supporting your child through ALL of them
Children learn about their emotions through watching and listening to us expressing emotion and by how we interact with them about theirs. A great way to support their emotional and social development is by labelling emotions and offering real choices (ex. “You are crying, you look sad. Do you want a hug or some space?”) Here’s an article that explains this in greater detail: https://www.fullcircle.family/posts/parental-influence-the-importance-of-emotion-regulation-in-children
Now, let’s look at some techniques we can use when our child is starting to become dysregulated and is choosing inappropriate behaviours (ex. hitting, throwing items, screaming, etc):
- First, then language
Break it into pieces. Small, bite sized ones. (ex. “first clean up paper, then play with toys”) The main focus is that the “first” focuses on what they need to do immediately, and “then” is our close behind behaviour that we want to see.
- Two real choices
This is a great alternative to yes/no and “what” questions. You are giving the child two options that they can choose from and you honour whichever one they choose. This shows them they have autonomy and are in control of their own body and choices – a vital skill for adulthood that is built in toddlerhood and childhood! Most importantly, you need to make sure that you are able to follow through on either choice.
One way to build this habit and make it a bit easier on yourself is to use time as the choice (ex. “Do you need one minute or two minutes before you clean up?”). They may respond “five minutes!” and you can calmly answer “your choices are one minute or two minutes”. To avoid a power struggle or a back and forth conversation, we limit how many times we offer the choices, three times is generally the most we would use. You ask initially, if needed, repeat it, and then if you need to repeat it a third time, say “this is the last time I am going to ask and then I will be making the decision for you. One minute or two minutes until clean up?” If the child does not make the decision we calmly say “you did not make a decision, I am making the decision, we have ___ minute(s) until we are cleaning up.” Make sure to only let yourself pick from the same two options that you gave the child. We want to be consistent.
Another way to build the habit and get more comfortable with two real choices is to offer help as an option (ex. “do you want to do it on your own or would you like my help?”). Again, if they try to come up with a third option, gently redirect them to the two choices you offered.
- Positive language
We tell the child what we want them to do, not what we want them to stop. This teaches children what an appropriate behaviour is at that moment (ex. instead of “stop hitting”, we can say “gentle hands” or “hands on your tummy”) (ex. instead of “stop running” we can say “slow feet” or “walk please”).
- Redirection
We use redirection when a child has chosen a behaviour or item that is inappropriate or unsafe. Here are some examples of situations where we would need to redirect a child and how we could do it:
- The child is throwing toys → “let’s throw the ball and play catch!”
- The child is screaming (happily) → “let’s sing a song together!”
- The child is pouring water outside of the bathtub → “let’s pour the water on your toes, on my hand (over the tub), on the bath toys!”
This article has more in depth information on what redirection is, how to use it, and some great examples for you to use: https://mybrightwheel.com/blog/redirecting-behavior
- Using Visuals and/or Timers
Visuals for communication are a great way to support your child if they are struggling to communicate verbally. If you have concerns about your child’s communication or development we recommend you call the Children’s Therapy Network of Manitoba. You can call the phone number for your home region and get more information. Here is the link to their page about self-referrals: https://www.gov.mb.ca/fs/ctnm/cw-therapy-services.html#:~:text=You%20can%20call%20the%20Central%20Intake%20in%20your%20home%20region%3A&text=Speech%2Dlanguage%20pathology
Here is the link if you would like more general information about the Children’s Therapy Network of Manitoba: https://www.gov.mb.ca/fs/ctnm/index.html
Sometimes you may feel upset about how you handled a situation. The best thing you can do is talk about it with your child and label your own feelings. (ex. “I was scared when you were reaching for the stove and I yelled at you. I’m sorry I yelled. Do you need anything?”) After you’ve talked about that and helped your child regulate their emotions as well, have a conversation about what they could do next time (ex. “Only _______ and _______ use the stove. You can use your play kitchen instead. If you need something, tell me and I can help you with it.”)
When a child is experiencing big emotions it is our job as the adults to share our calm. To be nearby and available if they need or want us and to support them through that overwhelming feeling of losing control to their emotions.
Most importantly, remember that no one is perfect. We try our best and we ask for help when we need it.
in: General